I Don’t Need permission
There are aspects of my character that I hid for so long. To be honest I can name a few still lying dormant waiting for “permission” to be visible. I’ve spent more time analyzing the various outcomes instead of simply BEING Briana Ariel. I’ve wondered how my giftings would challenge and change those around me. I’ve also felt not good enough and more than enough often in the same breath.
I always felt like I needed permission to step out of my comfort zone, to show up, or even to NOT show up.
The other day I was flipping through a notebook of mine filled with an astronomical amount of planning. I am a planner by nature, but this level of mastery was excessive. Looking over the pages with fresh eyes, I realized what I was doing. I kept writing down the various plans, waiting on someone to approve them. I felt as if “my personal approval,” wasn’t enough. I was subconsciously telling God the very act of making me, was not good enough unless someone else approved it. It’s hard to write that, but it’s true.
I also noticed the fear on every page. The fear to actually start because deep down I am afraid to fail. I am afraid to “appear” as if I am not good enough. I am afraid of starting and not finishing. I am afraid of poor execution, so on those pages, I kept over-analyzing.
Recently, I wrote down my “WHY” for a few areas of my life.
My why for:
Writing books
Freed Magazine
Family
Working out
Creating art
I realized my personal success has less to do with others’ perceptions of me and more to do with my own. What is a true win for me? Writing out my why made the very “act” of pursuing those things a win! Saying yes and actually following through is the win.
I can keep my eyes off of the outcome when I am simply obedient to The Lord. I want to steward all the things, well. Stewardship is an act, not to be kept in a random notebook year after year.
I don’t need permission to do anything I am called to do; I just need the courage to actually do it in spite of my feelings.
-Briana Ariel